Friday, April 3, 2009


This time I mean it: my head is going to explode.

I started this blog as a writing project about how I am 'becoming' European, becoming a parent, and becoming a real live adult person, too. Somewhere along the line, I became a manager who supervises seven or eight people in an office. So I guess I'm also becoming a boss.

Sometimes I feel like I want to crawl under a table and stay there. Sometimes it is too much.

I don't understand how one human can be kind and be a boss at the same time. i don't understand how one can be both a parent and a friend to one's children. I'm not always sure I can be all at the same time a husband, lover, foil, partner and tea-maker for my wife, my Anette.

Sociologists may refer to this as multiplicity, but it feels like spontaneous combustion.

On some days, at least.

maybe that's the answer: let's all be casually schizophrenic. One day we're authority figures, the next, peace-makers and care-givers. On Monday, I'm a mean old daddy, on Tuesday I'm Adinah's overgrown playmate again.

Wouldn't it be easier to just be one person? Is anyone just a Great Dad, or a Good and Wise Boss? Are Hollywood movies the only place where one can find heroes and Perfect Husbands and Hunks with Hearts of Gold? Probably. But, somewhat more seriously, wouldn't it just be easier to always be strict with your staff and with your children? To show no mercy and never let up?

Yes. That would be easier. This is what I will do, from now on. I will be One Man, attending to my interests, missions and needs. I will be Mr. Unilateral. I will know what I want, and exactly when others need to give it to me, I will tell them, and if they don't like it, they can get fucked, man! Everyone will say 'Yes,' and address me as 'Sir.' Fine.


You know what my problem is? I want people to like me, and this is what guides my actions, but I know what I think is right, and this is what guides my thoughts. This is not always such a cozy way to be. People piss me off, but I keep trying to be nice to them. Until suddenly I'm really really not nice to them. I'm patient, gentle and respectful, until they start treating me like a doormat. Suddenly I'm fantasizing about serving someone a milkshake laced with powdered glass.


I've said too much again, haven't I?


Flashtrigger said...

I'm in the same boat right now: working extra by teaching to keep bills current but not home enough to be a wife; trying to be to instructor who understands that we all work crazy shifts and maybe homework didn't get done but not the instructor who goes off in class because NO ONE did homework...for the 3rd class period in a row; being the journeyman who helps an apprentice instead of being a bitch, but having to be the bitch to be taken seriously.
It's a tough place to be.

pat said...

Hi FlashTrigger! Your (hypothetical?) teacher scenario gives me the shivers. As for the rest of it, yeah, maybe this isn't just a problem for me. Maybe this is a problem with modern life.